Andy's Police Blotter

Bon Temps Police Blotter #142 6:00AM Great. I can't seem  even get my foot in the door these days without shit happening.   Since Bud Dearborn left, this town's turned  into Bon Temps gone wild, especially since I have my new Deputy wannabe Jason  Stackhouse taggin' along, everywhere I go.  By the looks of the complaints filling my inbox, that boys really gotta  get a grip. "Note to self:  Speak with Stackhouse about wearing a proper  uniform, starting with a shirt." 7:00AM Altercation at the local Grab-It-Quik. (I told ya'll it was starting early these  days) Some stinking drunk in his filthy tighty whities claiming to be Sam Merlotte's dad ran out with a 12 pack of malt liquor and a bag of kibble.   I don't care who's daddy he might claim to  be, you can't be DIP in my town, especially at the God Damn crack of dawn. That's Drunk In Public for those that don't  know.   It's an official police  term.   Had to take him to the station to let him sleep it off.    Far as I know, he's still waiting for Sam to come and pick his ass up.    I'm still wondering what he was doing with  that kibble though….man doesn't even own a dog. 8:00AM Sookie Stackhouse called again.   Seems that vampire boyfriend of her's is still missing.   Just  because she can't keep a man doesn't mean I have to use my good men to hunt him  down. Man probably doesn't wanna be  found. If you ask me, Sookie ain't  wrapped to tight.    This ones gonna have to wait. I have more important things to do. Like getting some jelly doughnuts and a cup  of coffee.   Maybe I should give this one to Jason Stackhouse and get them both out of my hair. 9:00AM Sookie called….again.  Seems she found Bill's car on the road out of town.   Guess this time I need to go investigate so I can shut her the hell up.   Called Jason Stackhouse to meet me.  May as  well have him tag along so he can see just how hard this job really is.  Seems my plan is working.  He can deal with this while I deal with more important things like why Arlene is at the local library looking up if being a serial killer runs in the family. 10:00AM Arrived at the scene and Stackhouse was already there and Sookie was already gone. Thank God for small favors.   At least I didn't have to  sit here and listen while she ran her mouth about how we needed to drop everything and find her dead boyfriend.  Bills car was tipped over and totaled.  He sure did go through some extreme to get away from her…wonder what she  did this time.   Stackhouse was picking  up what looked to be the remains of some kind of animal and tainting the  evidence.   What a dumb ass.  I was already feeling it wasn't the  brightest move bringin' that boy along.  Time to send him back to the station to do more paperwork. 11:00AM Got an anonymous tip that a local dog fighting ring is going on right here in Bon Temps. That just ain't right. This one I'm going to investigate on my own. There is one thing I will not stand for in my town  and that's cruelty to animals. 12:30PM Got a call from Kenya.  Maxine Forteberry called with one of her Vampire complaints again. A local teen stole 100 plastic fangs from  the local 5 and dime parking lot and of course Maxine thinks there was some kind of Vampire involvement.    She is accusing  Jessica Hamby of influencing  the local youth into some kind of  crime wave conspiracy for her own, and I quote, "sick pleasures".    Why me? Just the paperwork alone on this is going to  be hell. What makes that woman think I have the time to sit down and itemize 100 plastic Fangs? I've got much more important things to  do.   Sounds like a job for Jason  Stackhouse.  Now that I think of it I need to look into the protocol for registering new vampires as citizens of this town. 1:00PM Lunch.   Time to grab  a burger and fries at Merlotte's and question Sam about this daddy of his. Seems he may have something to do with these dog fights.   Sam wasn't too forth coming as usual.   But what do I expect from a guy that runs  butt naked through the woods.  Hmmmm…Didn't he say his parents were nudists??  "Note to self:   Have Stackhouse question Sam's Daddy about this at a later date.    We just may have to take some preventive measures to avoid any  more "NIP's" which is police talk for "Naked in Public" 1:30PM Had the last bite of my burger when all hell broke  loose. Can't a man eat around here  without something always happening????  Seems Stackhouse has been pulling over the local women and trying to get  their phone numbers.   How many times do I have to tell that boy only ask for the license, registration and  insurance card??? Not their dang phone  numbers! I swear, that boys gonna be  the death of me! 2:00PM Just as I thought the coast was clear and headed out of the  driveway of Merlotte's ,  I got stopped by Maxine Fortenberry….again. Another complaint against the Vampires.    Can't this woman give it a rest? Ever since she started that MADV campaign I got more crimes against humanity than I can shake a stick at.    Seems some local fangs were bangin some bangers at the local truck stop "in broad moonlight"  right outside of town last night. How on earth Maxine got a youtube of this is beyond me, but she did. Gonna have to keep this one away from Stackhouse.   He'll never get any work  done if he starts investigating this.  All these new crimes, I'm gonna have to make up some new police  jargon.   Guess I'll be calling this one  in particular FBIP for Fang Banging In Public. Sounds good to me. 2:30PM  Got a call from Jason Stackhouse.  Seems I need to talk to Sam again about the serving of minors and the impact is has on his liquor license.   According to Stackhouse,  Arlene was serving the local football team  while we were occupied at Bud's retirement party.  Stackhouse claimed he confiscated the evidence but in turn drank it.  I must speak to him about the proper filing procedures  of evidence at a later date. 3:PM Still investigating the unidentified body that was found in the ditch.  Due to his lack of head and hands which are , uhhhhh, critical body parts to identify an individual, we have yet to put a name with the body.  We have yet to receive any missing persons reports with the exception of Vampire Bill and it is our understanding that the vampires disintegrate upon death. 3:30PM Got a call from Lettie Mae.  Seems Tara's gone missin' again and her last phone call was to  Sookie.   Here comes that name  again.  Sooookie….That's it, I'm calling  it a day.  Deputy Kenya Jones can take  can take it from here. Things are getting crazy, considering what's happened in the last two weeks  even for this town…But at least we know one thing, the body in the ditch is not Tara Thornton. Written by David Green and Cyrenna Dewhurst

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