Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur! I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin' hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle. Then at nights I cook at Merlotte's bar where all the local necks hang out. So now I'm branchin' out and I'm goin' to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man. I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than 'lil ole me! And I kin cook too! Every week or so I'm going to teach y'all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan's heart.
Lafayette's Famous Natchitoches Meat Pies
Now I know by now, you all done heard about Maryann and her meat pie recipe. Yeah, Hookah, your boy Lafayette can throw down in the kitchen. Honey-child, now you know Sam Merlotte wasn't looking high and low for me for no reason.. I know how to put it down in the kitchen, among other places, if you catch my drift. Bon Chika Wow Wow – A Wow Wow ... I got a recipe for some meat pies to die for. Bon Temps is not too far from Natchitoches, Louisiana and child, that's the best meat pies anywhere in Renard Parish. They'll make ya want to slap ya mama. I used to make them pies for Sookie and Tara when we was coming up.
You can add just about any old kind of meat you find – you can even pick up something on your morning run and bring it home and cook it up. Me? I like my meat thick and juicy, just like I like my mens.
Lafayette's Famous Natchitoches Meat Pies Da Filling 2 tablespoons of butter 1/2 pound of ground pork (hot or mild) 1/2 lb ground beef (or whatever you can catch hopping through Bon Temps) 1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper 1/2 cup chopped onion 1/4 cup of diced celery 1/2 cup of chopped green bell pepper 3 cloves of minced garlic (unless you are having vampires at your affair) 2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce 1 tablespoon of hot sauce Creole seasoning/salt/pepper to taste 1/2 cup beef stock 1/8 cup all-purpose flour Now you know your boy has to heat things up in the kitchen – and anywhere else he goes – so when I make my meat pies, I use a large cast iron skillet. That's how my mama and Lettie Mae taught me how to burn. Take that skillet and slap da butter into it and let it get good and hot. Then what you want to do is add the meat (the bigger the meat, the better), onion, celery, bell peppers, and garlic and sprinkle on that Creole seasoning until it cooks to a gloriously delicious consistency. Child, I hear Maryann has a secret ingredient in her pies and word on those Bon Temps streets, is that part of her secret ingredient is a fine mixture of the beef stock and flour. Heaven only knows what the other part is. It must be something good to get Tara going like that. Mix those together and throw that in the pot and bring to a boil. Cook for about 5 minutes and don't stop stirring it. Push dat aside and let it cool. Child, you got better thangs to do like making the dough. Da Dough 4 cups all purpose flour 2 teaspoons of iodized salt 1 teaspoon of baking powder 1/2 cup of shortening 1 egg 1 cup of milk Okay, hookah, get to mixin' that dough. Mix the flour, salt and baking powder together and then slap the shortening in the mix along with the egg and milk. Work it into a dough and work it good. Make love to da dough. I ain't afraid to get my hands dirty – your boy would be all up in that dough. Cut it in half and roll it out to about 1/8 of an inch thick. Cut it into 5 inch circles. Child, now that the fun part's out of the way, get ready to really heat up that kitchen. If you want to really heat things up, put on your thong and gets to workin' it up in there. Roll your hips and drop it like it's hot. Now gets to cookin' – you got guests to serve! Cook the Pies Place 1 heaping tablespoon of the cooled meat mixture in each circle. Fold over the pie and crimp the edges with a fork. Set aside the pies while you really heat things up – in a dutch oven that is – you want to heat about 4 inches of cooking oil in it to about 360 degrees. Fry a couple of pies at a time – you can remove them from the pot once they are brown on both sides. If you are like me, you'll have to keep Terry and Arlene out of them. Those two fools love to sample stuff while I'm making it. Every once in a while they disappear and come back with that silly look on their faces. Child, I don't even much need to do what those two mofos are up to behind Merlotte's. Lord knows it's probably something I have been guilty of doing a time or two. Now that you got your pies cooked up, you can put on your reddest lipstick, your highest heels and your flashiest scarf and serve them pies at least at body temperature. They can be served for appetizers or at parties. If you have vampires attending your affair, you will want to take it easy on the garlic. Otherwise, it'll have a lot of flava like your boy, but it won't be good for your guests. If you get any complaints, just tell 'em what I told that table full of rednecks. You come in my house, you gonna eat my food the way I fix it … Bon Appetit!
(Photo credit: Kimberly Vardeman)
(Photo credit: HBO)
Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly
To check out my other Bon Chika Wow Wow dishes see the archives!
Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. What's Cookin' and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris's Sookie Stackhouse novels.http://truebloodnet.com http://truebloodnet.com/community http://truebloodnet.com/forums
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